


A collection of jokes from the Halcyon system

by V6ilill



Series: Shooting star falls fast, falls far [4]
Category: The Outer Worlds (Video Game)
Genre: Autistic Captain, Crack, Dark Comedy, Funny, Gallows Humor, Gen, Humor, Random - Freeform, collection of jokes, still May's timeline so here it goes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 15:15:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21660223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/V6ilill/pseuds/V6ilill
Summary: As compiled by Dick Dickens and Tola Kulli.Note: exists in the same continuity as the Dartboard, but contains no spoilers.
Relationships: None
Series: Shooting star falls fast, falls far [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1560577
Kudos: 4





	A collection of jokes from the Halcyon system

Three drunks are crawling on a landing pad.

“The floor is cold,” says the first.

“And the carpet’s slippery,” says the second.

“Don’t worry, boys,” the third one looks up towards the sky “The elevator will take us outta here!”

-

What does C&P Boarst really put into their products?  
We’d ask, but they’re just the wurst!

-

Two Byzantines and a Spacer’s Choice employee ate a can of Edgewater saltuna.  
The Byzantines died horribly.  
The employee praised the Law for a good meal.

-

Safety regulations:

Spacer’s Choice  
“See that big red button? Don't worry, just push it!”

The Groundbreaker  
“See that big red button? Find a rungleech to push it for you. If none wish to cooperate, promise payment for when the job’s done.”

Auntie Cleo’s  
“See that big red button? Put on your safety gear and give it a try!”

SubLight Salvage  
“See that big red button? Secure it for the family! We’ll push it all together!”

Universal Defense Logistics  
“See that big red button? Ask a rank inferior to push it. Failure to comply with orders results in immediate execution.”

Monarch Stellar Industries  
“Consult user manual on what to do with big red button.”

Iconoclasts  
“See that big red button? Don’t trust those corporate scum who tell you that you can’t push it!”

Rizzo’s  
“See that big red button? That's not for pushing, try the purple one instead!”

Hephaestos  
“See that big red button? It’s for the inmates on the penal colony- er, miners to push!"

Aramid Ballistcs  
"See that big red button? Don't push it."

The Unreliable  
“See that big red button? DON’T LET THE CAPTAIN PUSH IT!”

-

A spacer and corporate goon drank some Zero Gee Brew.  
The spacer got drunk.  
The goon floated out into space. His body has been deemed to costly to recover.

-

Four people - a genius, a smart man, a moron and an average worker were on a spaceship. It crashlanded on Monarch and the four were captured by a local cannibal tribe.

“If you can tell me after what the planet is named after, I won’t eat you,” says the cannibal leader.

“Monarch is a moon,” says the genius and gets eaten.

“It’s named after a title of royalty,” says the smart man and gets eaten.

“It’s named after the aetherwave serial!” says the moron and gets eaten.

“It’s named after the company,” says the average worker.

“Shh. There’s no corporate presence on Monarch,” says the cannibal and kills him with an MSI-brand sledgehammer because he knows too much.

But at least he doesn’t get eaten.

-

How to tell if your saltuna comes from Stellar Bay?  
Check for a fishy smell.

-

How to tell if your saltuna comes from Edgewater?  
Eat it. If you don’t die within five days, then you’re either a Spacer’s Choice employee or the saltuna didn’t come from Edgewater.

-

Why did the traveler start laughing when he came face-to face with a mantisaur hive?  
He had heard that laughter was good for one’s health.

-

What’s green, deadly and 15 feet long?  
Three 5 feet mantipillars.

-

Monarch Stellar Industries is a big happy family. Those who disagree were at Amber Heights.

*Those who disagree are still at Amber Heights. The pirates weren't very thorough.

-

What did the first terraformers of Monarch say when they got to work?

“Well, this place sure is royally screwed up!”

-

“What goes down, must come up again,” thought Spacer’s Choice while designing their toilets.

-

"What goes up, must come down again," thought Rizzo's when designing their space stations.

-

Once upon a time, Spacer’s Choice tried to trademark stupidity.  
Their claim was disputed by UDL.

-

What do you get when you take the crew of the Unreliable while the captain is on vacation?  
People with common sense.

-

What did the captain of the Unreliable say when faced with a mantiqueen, three raptidons, seven mantipillars and five UDL gunships with orders to fire from orbit?

“Now that’s a fair fight!”

-

What’s the difference between Graham Bryant and Sanjar Nandi?  
One has reserves, the other has reserve currency.

-

An assassination attempt on Sanjar Nandi was carried out: agents of the board smuggled into his office . . . a report with forty-seven comma mistakes.

-

What happens when a Spacer’s Choice employee dies?  
Their family applies for a mortgage.

-

Why is Devil’s Peak named as it is?  
Hiram Blythe is horny.

-

Why is the Devil’s Peak tower so tall?  
Hiram Blythe is compensating for something.

-

Why is the captain's intelligence listed as average?

Her stupidity is immeasurable.

-

The fauna of Monarch can fly in space.  
How do we know? Simple: if there only people on Monarch are degenerate savages, the blockade must be protecting us against the animals!

-

Once upon a time, fifty five marauders and an enormous space squid ambushed the captain of the Unreliable while she was drawing a blade of grass.  
A mantisaur hive and twelve raptidons gathered to watch and hopefully feast on the victor.  
We'd tell you who won, but you can guess for yourself.

HINT: the drawing of a blade of grass was sold to the highest bidder on the Groundbreaker for 67 bits.

-

What plummets like a rock, then shoots up like a bird, then is dug deeper?  
The finances of the Unreliable.


End file.
